A spider with hairy legs — you couldn’t make it up

You could not make it up. As Britain descends into arachnohysteria, schools are closed, bitten limbs swell to pus-filled bloat, carpets become dangerous minefields, and tabloid journalists up and down the country rub their hands with unbridled glee.

Have a look at this item, from the Bromley News Shopper:

Spider with hairy legs.

Spider with hairy legs.

Here are some highlights:

…spider with “hairy legs” that has been found in a Blackfen alleyway.

Mr Michael says he was routinely checking his garden for false widows when he spotted the orange monster on the wall.

The 37-year-old said: “It is unbelievable – I have never seen anything like it and I can’t find anything like it on the internet.”

“I have had the bloke next door who has been on the computer since 10am this morning looking for details”

“The closest thing we have come across is the potato spider. It says online that it is highly venomous.”

Potato spider? It’s worthy of the The Daily Mash, except…

The number of fatalities is currently hovering near the zero mark.

The number of fatalities is currently hovering near the zero mark.

The Mash’s supposedly satirical offering is completely level-headed. Thank goodness someone’s giving out sensible information.

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